This is one of the most bizarre programmes you’ll watch all year. Saucy kitchen tart Nigella Lawson finally appears to have cracked under the combined strain of being married to Charles Saatchi, supplying London’s yummy-mummies with a constant stream of ‘comfort food’ and trying to make dumplings seem sexy to a disinterested monday night audience. At one point during last night’s show, she walked into her ‘pantry’ (clearly a set in some disused warehouse in the east end) and announed that she liked going in there merely to “stroke the shelves”. Doctor!

The premise of the show is the Nigella pretends to be a busy working mother whilst finding ingenious ways to prepare meals on the fly. The most cringe-inducing scenes are the ones in which actors masquerade as friends/family members in an attempt to make her on-screen persona look in the least bit normal. Someone please tell the BBC that we all know it’s a set, we all know Nigella’s domestic affairs are handled by a team of servants and we all know that this food is stuff we will never, ever get round to making (and even if we wanted to couldn’t possibly source the ridiculously exotic ingredients).

Someone really needs to put a stop to this kind of dross. It’s patronising, it’s pointless and worst of all it’s completely and utterly compulsive.

From 3-7 December 2007 Two’s Company presents yet another play in their remarkable series of undiscovered works from World War I at the Tristan Bates Theatre at the Actors’ Centre in London’s West End. Over the past three years, under the collective title FORGOTTEN VOICES FROM THE GREAT WAR, this enterprising company has unearthed and staged a trilogy of short plays written by and about the men at the front followed by What The Women Did, a trilogy written by and/or about women and the effect of the war on them. A full length work Red Night followed and now this unique look at contemporary letters written by a young officer who was killed in 1916. The press night of MY REAL WAR 1914 – ? is on Monday, 3 December at 8.00. The play lasts 80 minutes.

The real young officer was 2nd Lieutenant Havilland le Mesurier, who, had he lived, would have been the uncle of John le Mesurier, now best remembered for his role in Dad’s Army. The role on stage is played by the extraordinary young actor Philip Desmeules.

Tricia Thorns, who adapted and directed most of the Forgotten Voices series, has woven these privately published letters into a moving 80 minute play and directs. The designer is Alex Marker, lighting designer Duncan Coombe and sound designer Adrienne Quartly.

The letters are riveting because they contrast the stark and horrible conditions in the trenches with rare moments of comfort, as when “Lem” was billeted in a mansion in France with an amazing wine cellar. He wrote almost daily to his parents but in very different modes; he was frank with his father while letters to his mother frequently asked for recipes and creature comforts like fleece lined slippers to be sent.

MY REAL WAR 1914 – ? toured for two months earlier this year and was so enthusiastically received that it is touring again prior to its London run. The play will be performed in Scarborough, Musselburgh, St. Andrews, Horsham, Petersfield, Shrivenham, Uppingham, Southampton, Street, Taunton and Rugby School, where le Mesurier was a pupil.

A host of hand-painted guitars signed by celebrities including Noel Gallagher, Kasabian, Ronnie Wood and Robert Plant are to be put up for auction.

The 30 Gibson SG guitars have been signed by the artists and uniquely designed and hand-painted by artists as one offs.

They’re set to be auctioned off at the Gibson Guitartown London Charity Auction, to be held at the IndigO2 on November 20.

The Rolling Stones’ Ronnie Wood has hand-painted an SG[/bb] with his pastel rendition of the Royal Albert Hall, while Pink Floyd’s Roger Waters’ guitar features an exclusive design by ‘The Wall’ cover art designer Gerald Scarfe.

All money raised from the auction will be split between Nordoff-Robbins Music Therapy, The Prince’s Trust and the Teenage Cancer Trust.

For more information, go to Londonguitartown.com.

For two special performances only, Will Gregory of Goldfrapp teams up with some of the UK’s most inspired contemporary musicians – including Portishead’s Adrian Utley, jazz saxophonist Andy Sheppard, drummer Tony Orrell and the BBC Concert Orchestra conducted by Charles Hazelwood – to premiere his newly composed score to the little known silent film classic He Who Gets Slapped (Director: Victor Sjöström, 1924) starring Lon Chaney and Norma Shearer.

Gregory’s exhilarating new composition, performed live by some of the finest musical talent, will provide a unique new way to experience Chaney’s powerful performance on the big screen – a full orchestration with guest appearances from live electronics and direct-to-screen improvisation, a must-see for both film-goers and lovers of live music.

Before he became widely known as one half of Goldfrapp, Will Gregory teamed up with Tony Orrell (aka Birdman of Alkijazz) to form the experimental duo Gas Giants. Together, they were frequently commissioned to create and perform live soundtracks to silent films.

“One of these”, Will says, “was He Who Gets Slapped – a 90-minute vehicle for Lon Chaney. It soon became clear that this was something we had always hoped to find, namely an overlooked masterpiece.”

He Who Gets Slapped was the first feature made by MGM; a Hollywood take on a Russian play made by the legendary Swedish actor/director Victor Sjöström and starring one of silent cinema’s greatest stars, Lon Chaney (The Hunchback Of Notre Dame, The Phantom Of The Opera) who regarded this role of “He”, the clown who receives 200 slaps a day, as his best.

Will Gregory says: “I think this ranks as one of the great cinematic performances in the history of film. Chaney himself regarded it as his greatest role and whenever he is on screen he exudes such presence and charisma that it is easy to understand why he was the most celebrated screen actor of his day.”

Andrew Connolly, General Manager, BBC Concert Orchestra says: “When our Principal Guest Conductor Charles Hazlewood suggested bringing together Will Gregory, the BBC Concert Orchestra, jazz musicians and a 1924 silent movie, I instantly agreed.

“Hearing Will’s freshly minted score performed by the full orchestra and soloists in synch with the 83-year-old film will be an extraordinary audio-visual event – and not to be missed.”

He Who Gets Slapped will be screened to the live accompaniment of an original score by Will Gregory on 1 December at the Colston Hall in Bristol and on 3 December at the Queen Elizabeth Hall on London’s South Bank.